Between 1997 and 2001, I maintained a satirical website for a fictional organization called The National Rifle Association Christian Bible Choir. The site had a form that visitors could use to contact me. Below are a few of the more interesting messages I received from visitors.
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 1997 07:20:25 -0600
Subject: Web Form Submission
Name: : A REAL CHRISTIAN
Membership: Do NOT sign up as Member
comments:
IF YOU HAVE EVER ACTUALY READ THE BIBLE, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THE ONE THING THAT JESUS STRESSED WAS LOVE, NOT HATE LIKE YOU NEO-NAZI HATE MONGRULS DO. GET OFF YOUR PEDESTAL DISGUISED AS CHRISTIANITY AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE EVIL AND SO IS YOUR CAUSE
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 01:04:13 -0600
Subject: Web Form Submission
Name: : Kurt Vonnegut
Membership: Sign up as Member
comments:
First of all, sorry I didn't provide my email address, but as you can understand I must keep it confidential so that only my family and close friens use it.
I came accross your page accidentally (even an old pooper like me knows how to use computers, even though I hate them). I want to tell you: keep up the good work! Satire is as old as human race itself, and God knows where we would end up without it. Probably we would be sitting around in dim rotting rooms with Big Brother's heavy eyes fixed on us. War would be peace (and so on, I'm sure you know what I mean). Or we would be engaging in intercourse with Lenina (or Stalina, for that matter) while babies would be drooling and giving off other bodily liquids in clean, healthy cubicles.
Satire is the sober and prompt alarm that wakes us up from our worst dreams and our darkest nights.
Satire is our rage against the dying of the light.
Human race without satire is like a room without a mirror. Satire creates depth of perspective, without sacrificing its clarity and precision.
Keep up the good work, satirize, laugh, expose our shortcomings. But as a humanist (I am the chairman of the Humanistic Society now) I would advise anyone taking up the path of satire: it is dangerous. You are walking the line between hate and silliness. Hate, because even Hitler was human and therefore deserving of being regarded as such. Silliness, because laughter can degenerate from constructive to pointless (I still love those Jewish jokes, though, I'm not a complete nerd as you would say. Here's one: a man named Chaim Shapiro was once on a nudist beach. Someone told him: Chaim, for God's sake, you're contradicting yourself: either remove your cross or put on some uderwear! That's what I call silly laughter. It's still fun, though).
Well, I have a plane to catch because I'm going to LA to give a talk called "How To Get A Job Like Mine," so I'll wish you good luck with your endeavors.
Happy holidays,
your fellow satirist,
Kurt Vonnegut
Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 05:36:40 -0500
To: web@choir.faithweb.com
Subject: choir.faithweb.com submission
Name: Eddie
Membership: Sign up as Member
comments:
To whom it may concern,
I know Ralph Reed personal and I am involved with the Christian Coalition. I have chaired a chapter here in Ohio for 4 years and the report that you gave about Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed are total lies. those comments do nothing but degrade your web page and I am requesting that there be a retracktion.
Eddie
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 18:18:44 -0500
To: web@choir.faithweb.com
Subject: choir.faithweb.com submission
Name: rich
Membership: Do NOT sign up as Member
comments:
You're sick scumbags,ruining my country............I HATE YOU !!!
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 17:02:57 -0700
Subject: NRA Christian Bible Choir
re:
http://choir.faithweb.com
Just a short note to thank you, on behalf of
JaheeeeeeeeZUS, for the wonderful work you
are doing promoting True Christian Values like
ammunition clips and boring music.
I found your lovely pages while reverse
engineering (so to speak) the logs at
my very own website.
It seems that you and I are both laboring in
the same garden of Christian preparedness for
the coming holy war of faith, redemption and
large caliber testaments.
Amen, I say unto you, Amen.
From your brothers at the National Assault
Rifle Association (http://www.fagnits.com/nara.html)
best wishes for a happy new millenium of
patriotic JaheeeeeeeeZUS songs and inspiring
tales of firearms.
Chuck Grimsword
CEO
National Assault Rifle Association
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 10:58:04 -0500
Subject: info
To: contact@choir.faithweb.com
I'm kind of confused. What do guns have to do with Christianity? Do you
honestly think Jesus would want his followers walking the earth with guns?
His message was to turn the other cheek, not to blow the other guy's brains
out. If you could fill me in to the connection between the love of Christ,
singing, and firearms, it would be much appreciated.
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 13:22:06 -0500
To: web@choir.faithweb.com
Subject: choir.faithweb.com submission
Name:
Membership: Sign up as Member
comments:
Am looking forward to singing my favorite hymn,
"Jesus Died for Me and So Can You If You Don't Watch It"